This is not my ceiling
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize