So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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