Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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