I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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