i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
