Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
