Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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