So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i out mim tonsoeep
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
