sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Edward fifth and chaser hands
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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