I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
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