low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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