Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
