Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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