I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
