He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
