You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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