she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
