Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
