The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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