I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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