How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
