well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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