areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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