he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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