Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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