I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
