i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
