I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize