My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
