I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
