its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
