remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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