why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I want her autograph on my taint
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
