she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize