Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
