I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
