I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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