i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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