there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize