I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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