I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
