If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
