I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
