Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
