Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I smell stomach acid.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
