did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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