it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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