I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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