I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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