Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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