I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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