I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
