All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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