She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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