What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
