mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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