Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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