i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize