so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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