Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
